your fear of discomfort is holding you back
what no one tells you about building confidence
In recent years, social media has been flooded with "glow up" content, promising tips and tricks to become "that girl" or "elevate your life." But there's a crucial aspect these creators often minimize: meaningful personal change, superficial or otherwise, is inherently uncomfortable. While not a new concept, this reality is frequently overlooked in mainstream media. Once the initial burst of motivation fades, you find yourself in the "messy middle" – that challenging space where you've begun to change but are far from your goal. This phase can feel isolating and frustrating. Without preparation for this inevitable discomfort, it's tempting to retreat to your comfort zone, only to later berate yourself for lacking the "confidence" to stay the course.
For years, I shied away from new challenges due to fear of failure. While I achieved success in many areas, fear held me back from pursuing countless ambitions, especially creative ones. I often found myself following well-worn paths instead of forging my own. This all came to a screeching halt 3 years ago when I left management consulting for business school, took a gap year to build a coaching business, and recently returned to finish my degree. This journey taught me a crucial lesson: the most significant growth often lies in the very tasks we avoid. I discovered that "glowing up" isn't about waiting for confidence or self-belief to magically appear. Rather, it's about pushing through fear and doubt, taking small but consistent steps that lead to substantial change. Confidence, I learned, follows action. This mindset shift empowered me to tackle challenges I once thought impossible, from addressing 1,500 executives at 25 to embarking on a week-long sailing adventure with strangers in Croatia.
My most significant personal growth has been in developing the ability to express myself confidently in spontaneous professional situations. Throughout my life, I've been labeled as "too quiet." While I excel at creating content and delivering prepared speeches, I've struggled with speaking up in impromptu settings like meetings, a common challenge for introverts. To overcome this, I've intentionally immersed myself in extroverted environments, from consulting to Harvard Business School (HBS). At HBS, class participation accounts for up to 50% of grades, and the campus itself, described by Susan Cain as the "spiritual capital of extroversion," is designed to foster constant interaction.
Initially, I hesitated to speak in class unless I felt completely certain about my thoughts – an approach that rarely worked. A turning point came when I discovered a podcast that challenged my understanding of confidence. The host, Erika Cramer, emphasized that confidence isn't something you wake up with one day; it's built through consistent action, even in the face of fear and uncertainty. This insight transformed my approach. I began to speak up more in class, gradually building confidence through repeated practice. However, I learned that the nervousness never fully disappears. Even seasoned professionals and HBS professors admit to feeling anxious when expressing themselves. To this day, I still experience physical signs of nervousness when participating in class. The key takeaway? True growth isn't about eliminating fear, but developing the discipline to act despite it.
Building confidence is a byproduct of discipline. To harness this, we need to:
Identify what we truly want in life
Develop the discipline to pursue those desires
To get started for yourself, consider these steps:
Identify the life you would have if you had 100% confidence in yourself:
How would you spend your time, and with whom? What would you do differently?
Assess the gap between your ideal state and current state: What changes do you need to make to get to this dream life, and how drastic of a change is this?
Set actionable, micro-goals: What’s a small action you can take TODAY to move yourself closer to this dream life?
Act despite feelings: What if you knew that the true task is developing discipline, not necessarily the specific goal you’re trying to achieve?
Celebrate effort over outcomes: How would your self-image change if you focused on the action instead of the result?
As we learn and grow, it's crucial to remember that the path to confidence is rarely smooth or comfortable. The space between starting something new and achieving mastery is supposed to be messy and uncomfortable; it’s where true transformation occurs. Overcoming the “messy middle” is how we build resilience, develop new skills, and ultimately create the confidence we seek. As you work towards your goals, lean into the discomfort. Let it remind you that you're on the path of becoming a more capable version of yourself, no matter how messy it feels. True confidence isn't about feeling fearless - it's about taking action even when you're afraid. Your future self will thank you.
TL;DR
While social media consistently promotes short-term, superficial “glow ups”, real internal change takes hundreds of small actions over months, even years
Waiting to feel confident to do something is backwards thinking. Confidence is the byproduct of aligned action, not the other way around.
The real work of “glowing up” is to improve your discipline to act despite fear, not wait for the fears to not exist.
While you’re in your “messy middle” of personal growth, you should expect to make lots of mistakes. Focus on your actions, not the results.